#3 Evolution of An Ally

#3 Evolution of An Ally (aka Questions people will ask that are opportunities to turn them into allies).

"Who's most important to you? You rank them, right?"

This is one of the most contentious questions within the polyamorous and nonmonogamous communities. Thus, trying to answer it succinctly is a bitch. Always preface it with something like, “Well, there are a lot of ways to do it, so they way I and the next group might do it could be nothing alike. There’s really no wrong way so long as everyone is on the same page, fulfilled in their role, and not being held in competition. Polyamory is not a competition.”

Say it with me, again: “polyamory is not a competition.” (neither is nonmonogamy).

This is the GOLDEN RULE of polyamory and nonmonogamy! Making people compete for your love is toxic for them and demonstrating some serious unhealthiness on your part!

Now, partners may fall into a natural pecking order depending on duration and intended commitment level. The more emotionally committed and the longer you’ve been together, the more weight that person will probably have in your decision making. When it comes to dividing time between partners, it’s really about logistics, fairness, and what each person’s expressed need for company is. Respecting each other’s communication is just as important as communicating in the first place.

Briefly, the answer I usually use often outlines my “realms” of commitment, and emphasizes that there is no limit or quota on occupancy.

Primary: these are people whom i am seriously dating and vetting as life partners.

Secondary: we may be dating and offering emotional support to each other, but we probably wouldn’t make great life partners.

Tertiary: friends with benefits, regular hook-ups, and whatever other terms you can find for people with whom the relationship is more physical than emotional.