#6 Metamours: Jealousy

Once you open or add to your relationship, you may start dating someone new together, or you may keep your own individual relationships relatively separate. A metamour is, most simply, “The partner of my partner.” Sometimes these people become friends, sometimes they become lovers, sometimes they just give each other a comradic nod in the foyer. Having metamours that get along is always a plus, but not always required. Relationships with and between metamours can be complicated, and for the purpose of this discussion we’ll be using a three-person vee as an example.

Jealousy among metamours

I cover a lot in my series on jealousy, but I wanted to touch on it here as well. Oftentimes, a new addition to a relationship can highlight partners’ insecurities. Sometimes, that manifests specifically related to metamours. The first step in jealousy is to identify if you are jealous because you are insecure in your relationship with the hinge partner, or if it has nothing to do with your relationship. I have three personal examples to give:

A number of times I have found myself uncomfortable with a metamor who I had nothing in common with. We were always civil, but I kept wondering what my partner saw in both of us that made them want to date us both. I couldn’t help but wonder what the common thread was between me and this other person. Sometimes that factor becomes apparent, and sometimes decisions are made by the hinge partner.

Another time, my partner dated someone who was ahead of me in my academic field. My metamour had just finished their Master’s and, during the time we were involved, got a job in her college’s department pursuing her career in that field. Meanwhile, I was stuck at an unrelated desk job, not in school. I knew this had nothing to do with the vee, and did my best to treat my metamour as a resource rather than a competitor. After all, shared partner, shared profession, shared goals, right?

Finally, mental health can take a toll on your perspective on a metamour. Depression telling you they’re better than you and your partner doesn’t need you anymore can be particularly mindfucking. Talk with your partner, talk with your metamour (if appropriate). Reality check your brain if you’re in a state like this. If you feel you need to, research professional help. This is usually best via word of mouth to find therapists who won’t apply strange preconceptions of nonmonogamy to their practice.