#1A Jealousy

#1A Jealousy

One of the most misunderstood ideas out there is jealousy. Myths and misinterpretations about it abound. In the next set of posts, I’ll endeavor to answer and raise discussion about the following points. Much of my discussion will center around Dossie & Eaton’s premise that “jealousy is a shell over a real emotion,”as presented in their landmark book, “The Ethical Slut.”

“So, what, poly people don’t experience jealousy?”

Oh, but we do. Some of the most jealous people I know are polyamorous. Why would they do that to themselves, you ask? Well, probably because of how fulfilling and liberating they find the non monogamous lifestyle- and because they have supportive partners who encourage them to be happy and work with them to get there.

Dossie & Eaton, along with a number of other researchers, propose that jealousy in and of itself is not an emotion, but rather a defensive expression of an underlying issue. The defensive part comes from refusal to acknowledge the real issue and subsequent cognitive dissonance. Without delving too explicitly into the psychological nitty-gritty, jealousy is basically acting aggressively uncomfortable without addressing what’s causing it.

Many people worry that they are inadequate to keep a partner. Sociocultural norms promote the idea of “competing for” a partner, and then “fighting off competition” once you have “captured” a partner and become their “ball and chain.” This competitive, predatory, freedom-forfeiting narrative really trivializes the benefits of properly loving relationships, and generates an incredible amount of stress. Again skimming over the sociological background, jealousy is most often a veil for one’s own feelings of inadequacy.

Whether monogamous or not, jealousy born of inadequacy is solved with the same formula: honesty with oneself, honesty with one’s partners, support, and patience.

Polyamorous people experience jealousy/inadequacy. They experience loads of it. The only difference between their experiences and monogamous people’s experiences is that polyamorous people have a more pressing reason to get over it and a bigger network with which to work.