#3 CHEATING: Cheating in Polyamory

#3 CHEATING :( When I tell people I’m polyamorous, they always ask, “Do they know about each other?” and half the time follow it up with, “Well isn’t that still cheating?” I try to be patient because I know what’s old to me is new to each person I talk to, but this one really exasperates me. So, as I’m posting the following weeks’ discussions, keep that in mind if I sound wry or caustic.

Cheating in Polyamory

Yes, cheating is a thing, even in open relationships! Defining cheating in a closed relationship, whether mono or poly, is easy: emotionally or physically bonding with anyone other than your partners. Defining cheating in an open relationship can be pretty convoluted: maybe you heard from a metamour (partner of a partner) that they were doing a sex act that you two had decided was to stay just between you. Maybe you’re primaries who allow tertiary relationships but an emotional bond is growing anyway. At these junctures, partners can either have a conversation, or start cheating (disrespecting).

I have been cheated on twice, once in a monogamous relationship, and once in a polyamorous relationship. The monogamous person admitted after the fact to cuddling and taking a nap with his ex, specifying an emotional benefit from it. Had he discussed this with me, or hell, even broken up with me, beforehand he would not have been a disrespectful cheater. The second time, in a polyamorous, open relationship, I enthusiastically consented to their relationship, and then he started comparing us and began ignoring me for her, neglecting my emotional needs. So yes, my definition of cheating also extends controversially to non-covert lapses in respect.