#3 Metamours: Seniority and NRE

Once you open or add to your relationship, you may start dating someone new together, or you may keep your own individual relationships relatively separate. A metamour is, most simply, “The partner of my partner.” Sometimes these people become friends, sometimes they become lovers, sometimes they just give each other a comradic nod in the foyer. Having metamours that get along is always a plus, but not always required. Relationships with and between metamours can be complicated, and for the purpose of this discussion we’ll be using a three-person vee as an example.

Seniority among metamours

If Pat and Drew have been dating for 5 years and Drew begins dating Alex, chances are that either Pat will take Alex under their wing, or that Pat will feel threatened by Drew’s New Relationship Energy* (NRE) with Alex. This can depend on many relationship, personal, and environmental factors. Drew has to weigh existing commitments to Pat against the exciting new potential of Alex. Can Pat and Drew keep doing dinner at home together every Sunday evening, or can Pat give up half those Sundays to Alex? How soon is too soon for the three of them to all have dinner together, or do they want time for the individual relationships? Have Pat and Drew negotiated for Pat to have an active role in Drew’s new relationships, or would it be inappropriate for Pat to speak too intimately to Alex? Is Alex comfortable with Pat yet, or does Alex want to become established with Drew first? Respecting your established relationships despite NRE is a pillar of successful polyamory.

*Discussed in the bonus post on NRE